My Heart Condition

So I've been sitting here for the last 2 hours wallowing in self-pity. For the last 2 days I've been crying on and off, praying for peace and joy, asking God to send me a miracle, asking for prayer, considering why God would allow me to go through this, wondering who prayed for this vengeance in my life (Pastor Miles message on Sunday), and scattered throughout those moments, brief pauses for reflection about what I could possibly learn from this. And believe it or not, the answer came to me while I was Instant Watching Did You Hear About the Morgans? on Netflix. So in the scene that I had my "Eureka!" moment, Sarah Jessica Parker is having a fit because she hates the situation she's in and ultimately has no control over it. She's ranting and raving about how unfair it is and yada yada yada, right? And Hugh Grant basically says "Just treat it like a vacation..." Ok, so let me translate that into my situation. I didn't exactly take that scene and say "What a great idea! Let me treat this time without my husband like a vacation!" No. What I got from that was the idea that I should really be using this time as a way to reflect and regroup. AND I realized that God has been doing several things in my life, placing certain people in my life (positive and negative), to check my heart. I was raised around very strong, confident, pants-wearing women who NEVER take no for an answer, who NEVER give up, and who MUST be in control of every situation. So naturally, here I am. Except that I serve a God who says that I must serve, support, and submit. The former doesn't really jive with the latter and the thing about THAT is that, like those strong women whom I was raised by, my God mos DEF aint takin' no for an answer. So He's been doin' a little heart surgery. Don't you hate that God doesn't just use His magic wand when you ask for specific virtues and just turn you into Suzie-Do-Right? Ugh! He puts you through that fire to burn away those impurities so that you have a story and cool scar to prove that you made it. The most difficult thing for my to give up, the thing that is my idol, is my ability to have control. And mentally, I've been playing this tug of war with God over situations that are just too difficult for me to let go of. The reality is, I've never been in control. I may THINK I am, but truly I'm not...and God is being ever so patient with me as I slowly come to grips with THAT. What better organization could He have married me to, than the military? I'm in a situation where I can't call the shots. I can't even make up a white lie (though I would NEVER) to convince the Nimitz to release my husband to me in time for my birthday. They don't care about what's fair. They don't care that this is the second birthday he's missed in a row. They don't care that his mom will be in town. I could show up in my best outfit, bat my eyes, or even throw in some tears and they probably wouldn't even blink. You have no idea how difficult that is to deal with when you're used to doing what you have to do to get what you want. Anybody got a heart machine?? So eventhough I've kinda already been saying "God, show me your purpose in this" I didn't really mean it. And because I don't have a specific person to blame for my hurt, I've been taking it out on my husband. How terrible is that right? Like "Yeah yeah yeah, I know you're sad, but what about ME?? ME ME ME ME MEEEEEE!!" So yeah, I'm not gonna lie, I don't feel instantly holy and considerate, but I know I have stuff I need to be working on while Aaron's gone. Stuff that would be a whole lot harder to focus on were he here. It's funny because secretly, you already know what needs to be worked on and you already KNOW what these moments of solitude are meant for, but it's just easier to say "Later." My "later" is now...it's time for a vacation.