I Do

I'd just like to start by apologizing for my incompetence in keeping my many, many readers (lol) updated on what's new in the life of Meg, BUT the hiatus is over and I'm here to fill you in. So...I'm married now. I know that was extremely shocking to umm ALL of you and I must admit (now that it has actually hit me...JUST this morning) I'm rather shocked myself. But let's back up a little bit to exactly why many of you were so shocked and alarmed...Basically, before I left Virginia for the summer, I was in this super limbo. Aaron and I had prayed and fasted for a week in March and felt that the Lord had planned for us be married before the year was over and that Virginia/DC wasn't the place for us. Well, for him...because shortly after he left Virginia, I started having all the same doubts I had been having for 8 months. (Close mouth and remove hands from face HERE) I guess I ought to go back a little further huh? Okay...when I left for school last August, I was under the impression that I was going to be married on March 13 of this year. Nope. Apparently the Navy (and all other Military branches) is in the business of ruining hopes and dreams. Aaron's tour was extended from January to WHEN?? The end of March. Really Nimitz?? Ugh. So I started asking myself "Can I really do this for 10 more years of my life? With children? Am I strong enough? Patient enough? Secure enough?" The answers to those questions kept coming up "No." I didn't know ONE person in VA when I was asking myself those questions and didn't really have a support system of people back home who understood how I felt. I had to start from scratch. So I did. Except, the more people I met, the more involved I became with school, the less I included Aaron because he "wasn't here." And the closer I became with my friends, the easier it was to push him away and question my place in our relationship. Hence the "it's complicated" status change on FB. I had to cope. I had to focus on anything but how much it hurt to be away from him. And I was really good at distracting myself. The problem with that was, I still loved him, but I was so caught up in what was "right now" that I couldn't make up my mind about a future that seemed so far off. I would worry about that when it came. It was HELL. I was changing my mind about our relationship almost weekly. I was putting him through an emotional ringer, I was inwardly stressing myself out (I didn't think my friends would understand), and an anxiety disorder that was mild before August became full blown by March. So he came back...and when he came to visit, everything was surprisingly good. I wasn't confused anymore because my distractions were secondary to him. He was right in front of me. I could allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable again because he wasn't 10,000 miles away anymore, we could talk on the phone (I didn't have to sit down for an hour to type out the details of my week in an email in the midst of MONDO papers and gazillions of note cards), I was able to see him, we were able to connect emotionally again. But you wanna know what the difference is between 10,000 miles and 2,500 miles when you're knee deep in 16 credits and finals on the way?? Absolutely nothing. When he left Virginia to go back to California, things were right back to how they'd been for 8 months. I was back to coping. I had things that needed to be done and I didn't have time to miss him and be sad. Maybe it's not what you would've done, but it's the only way I know how to deal with things. I shut down and then go into auto-drive. I mean, I'm not completely calloused...we talked daily and yes, I had moments when I was really sad and missed him, but I couldn't let it paralyze me...and it would have. What made it more difficult were two things: a guy friend and my annoying habit of over-analyzing EVERYTHING. I confused the closeness with this friend, with wanting a relationship with him. I kept thinking "How could I be engaged and want to be with someone else?" "Why do I keep going back and forth with wanting to be with Aaron?""Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I'll never be ready." And then it was "Maybe I'm bored with him." "Maybe God is telling me...XYZ" It was insanity. The bottom line was that I didn't want to go into a marriage with uncertainty and I couldn't pinpoint why I was so unsure. And what was worse, it felt like no one was on my side. My family and friends said I was crazy for putting him through all of that...and that he was a good man. They were right, but it left me to figure things out on my own. Maybe that was a good thing...maybe it wasn't. ::WHEW:: Okay, so those of you that knew all of that were probably like "MARRIED???? Ummm, okay??" SO...here's where things changed. The drive back to California gave us lots of time to talk and reflect... and annoy each other lol...and it was good. We were able to sort things out between each other. I was able to step outside of my crazy busy life to think without chaos and constant lists of things to get done and just... relax. It's amazing what the open road can do for your psyche. I was able to gain perspective. It didn't completely hit me all at once, but gradually over the trip and the first couple of weeks back home I was able to see the forest for the trees. My morning devotions and one on one time spent with God helped me to see myself differently. There are so many things that we think we've let go from our past that still haunt and manipulate us and we're unable to move forward until we truly let those things go. My struggles were a process through which God was ridding my life of those things. He knew what I was capable of enduring...but he needed ME to know. I couldn't understand it before...shoot, there are still some things I don't understand, but what I needed to learn was to trust Him, to seek Him, to LISTEN to Him. I love Aaron. I'm in love with him and I still can't believe that he stuck with me through some of the hardest times in our relationship, but I believe those things needed to happen. We needed to know that through Christ, we have strength. All those questions I had before that I answered "No" to are now "Yes, with Christ." I'm not perfect and there are still SO MANY things I'm working on within myself (including my selfishness), but aren't we ALWAYS growing? I just can't imagine a better person to grow WITH. Our union is one that was meant to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church and through Him we will succeed. The enemy did everything he could to keep that from happening. I bet he was mad the day we said "I do." ;)