Slowing

They should call this slowing
As I – count these full days, I empty myself –
Into hands overflowing with the weight of the world
Surely strong enough to carry me
Vi-cariously, I - watch others be nourished by life
My – plight is that I’m hungry to be full of His love
Craving the seasoning that it takes to taste good in the mouth of experience
Delirious because its been some time since I’ve slept – in His arms
He leaves me warm and my flushed face expresses the gratitude I have for His charm
His adoration is honey sweet and I pause in reflection
At the detection of His tired feet – because they walk on
He is my cup of tea
Soothing me from my tongue to my toes as I speak His words and swallow them in admiration
This declaration is only the beginning
His presence is like a light summer breeze against my sun-kissed skin
Watermelon cold – refreshing my soul
I just – I don’t know – I – love Him
Giving in so I can go out as His girl
They – should call this slowing
Knowing I – could never keep up with Him I – grin at His ability to know my thoughts before I think them
I meet Him – no – He meets me where I’m at
That – that comforts me
I’ve sampled this before
He’s such a gentleman – opening doors for me
Preparing the table before I get there
Always taking care to clean up – never complaining
Abstaining – from discouraging words
Encouraging the most absurd desires of my heart
He’s perfect
They really should call this slowing
But slowly I come down from this high
And I – recognize Your face
I embrace Your design and – resign
Your love, Your wrath, Your grace – taste good to me
I walk – no – I run quickly and hold fast to You
Do what You will
For You – I am slowing

This poem is such a reflection of where I am. I fasted a few weeks ago and it was the best thing I could have done in my life. Could I have done that months ago? Hecky no...but where I am spiritually today is due to my resignation to Him. And here I am. Seemingly in a state of confusion, yet content. I'm about to make some decisions in my life that are not based on what other people want for me...and I don't feel bad about them. I feel free because I know that wherever they lead me, it will be a reflection of His will for me. You see, I've been trying my whole life to either prove people right or prove them wrong. I'm over that. I cannot find my purpose in man...and no longer will I try. I want to find out how it feels to be in love with Him. I want to fall head over heels in love...and I can't do that where I am. I need to slow down. That's why this poem is called "Slowing." My fast was not...fast. I took each day as it came, I had to wait for answers. I was literally starving. But what was interesting to me was that I'd been starving spiritually and speeding through life. No wonder I was so exhausted. How on earth did I make it through without sustenance? There isn't enough 'try' in the world to make me perfect, so I've begun to give myself to Him in the best way I know how...little by little. And no, this isn't the best way to give myself away, but I'm workin' on it. He will take my 'try' and turn it into His 'will.'Along the way, I've met some of the most amazing women and become part of an organization that has given me the support I needed to get here...I feel blessed. I feel loved. I feel excited and ready and...blessed. He knew what I needed before I needed it. Thank God. Literally. I said I was ready before, but I didn't mean it. I mean it this time. With every part of me, I desire to be His. And I don't just wanna be His in theory or because it sounds good when I tell people. I want this. And if you know me, you know that when I say I want something, I go get it...but I'm gonna do it slowly. So... I'm slowing.

Mad...

So, I haven’t written a blog in quite a while and I apologize for keeping my readers in suspense, but there has been a lot goin on in these last couple of months that hasn’t permitted me the time to sit and reflect. Publically anyway. So, I’m blogging today because of a few things have been makin me upset. Now, I’ve tried to let it go and move on, but it seems that the minute I do that, the issue rears its ugly head… AGAIN. And generally, I’d let it go despite even that, but what bothers me is that I’ve confronted this issue in both situations, yet I’m still hearing the aftermath of the issues as if they haven’t been addressed…among other things that had nothing to do with the issue…personal things that I revealed in my effort to be transparent and vulnerable. This burns me beyond words…words that would reflect my Christian values anyway. You see, here is the issue that I have: I came to you. I gave you the opportunity to express yourself, to ask me questions, to be honest about whatever it was that you were feeling. You could’ve told me you hated me and thought I was the devil himself and I would’ve been hurt, but at least you would’ve been honest. You weren’t. Because had you been, I wouldn’t be hearing all this extra stuff. Now I could come to you each and every time I hear something, but I don’t have the time, nor the energy. I’m grown. I’m not in high school. You don’t pay my bills, you aren’t my source of income or transportation, your life does not affect my education one way or the other… so trivially, you don’t mean much to my life. But in the bigger picture, where God holds each of us accountable for our brothers and sisters (because an organization does not determine who we are in relation to Christ), it does matter. What’s funny, is that you completely missed it. And will continue to miss what God is revealing to you because of your preoccupation with what I’m doing. I’m not perfect, neither did I ever claim to be. I am working on me and your constant questioning of where I’m at spiritually is unnecessary and unwarranted. How dare you question God anyway? You have no idea where I am spiritually. And I refuse to let you take me back to where I was because of where you think I should be. Yes, there are things in my past that I’m not proud of…shoot, there are things in my present that I’m not exactly proud of. I have hurt people that did not deserve to be hurt. And I’ve dealt with that. I’ve confronted it. I’ve confronted you. What makes you think I’d make it a point to squash our trivial issue (between you and I), but not handle the aspects of my life that will affect the rest of my life? A better question is: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SHARING MY BUSINESS (BUSINESS THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE YOU) WITH OTHER PEOPLE?? I’ll tell you why. Because you’re messy…and in your little brain, you think that it’ll somehow make you look better. What you didn’t know sweetie, is that the people you ran and told already knew (they humored you) and if they didn’t know about the issue, they already knew me as a person and didn’t think twice about it. You have to stop. Not because you’re tearing down my character, because you’ve tried that (though unsuccessfully)…but because you are affecting your own walk and your own character. All I can do is shake my head because even though I’m writing this to try to help you, you’ll probably take it out of context and have more to say about it. Just know this. I see you. But at the end of the day, I’m over here and you’re still over there. Don’t be mad.