My Heart Condition

So I've been sitting here for the last 2 hours wallowing in self-pity. For the last 2 days I've been crying on and off, praying for peace and joy, asking God to send me a miracle, asking for prayer, considering why God would allow me to go through this, wondering who prayed for this vengeance in my life (Pastor Miles message on Sunday), and scattered throughout those moments, brief pauses for reflection about what I could possibly learn from this. And believe it or not, the answer came to me while I was Instant Watching Did You Hear About the Morgans? on Netflix. So in the scene that I had my "Eureka!" moment, Sarah Jessica Parker is having a fit because she hates the situation she's in and ultimately has no control over it. She's ranting and raving about how unfair it is and yada yada yada, right? And Hugh Grant basically says "Just treat it like a vacation..." Ok, so let me translate that into my situation. I didn't exactly take that scene and say "What a great idea! Let me treat this time without my husband like a vacation!" No. What I got from that was the idea that I should really be using this time as a way to reflect and regroup. AND I realized that God has been doing several things in my life, placing certain people in my life (positive and negative), to check my heart. I was raised around very strong, confident, pants-wearing women who NEVER take no for an answer, who NEVER give up, and who MUST be in control of every situation. So naturally, here I am. Except that I serve a God who says that I must serve, support, and submit. The former doesn't really jive with the latter and the thing about THAT is that, like those strong women whom I was raised by, my God mos DEF aint takin' no for an answer. So He's been doin' a little heart surgery. Don't you hate that God doesn't just use His magic wand when you ask for specific virtues and just turn you into Suzie-Do-Right? Ugh! He puts you through that fire to burn away those impurities so that you have a story and cool scar to prove that you made it. The most difficult thing for my to give up, the thing that is my idol, is my ability to have control. And mentally, I've been playing this tug of war with God over situations that are just too difficult for me to let go of. The reality is, I've never been in control. I may THINK I am, but truly I'm not...and God is being ever so patient with me as I slowly come to grips with THAT. What better organization could He have married me to, than the military? I'm in a situation where I can't call the shots. I can't even make up a white lie (though I would NEVER) to convince the Nimitz to release my husband to me in time for my birthday. They don't care about what's fair. They don't care that this is the second birthday he's missed in a row. They don't care that his mom will be in town. I could show up in my best outfit, bat my eyes, or even throw in some tears and they probably wouldn't even blink. You have no idea how difficult that is to deal with when you're used to doing what you have to do to get what you want. Anybody got a heart machine?? So eventhough I've kinda already been saying "God, show me your purpose in this" I didn't really mean it. And because I don't have a specific person to blame for my hurt, I've been taking it out on my husband. How terrible is that right? Like "Yeah yeah yeah, I know you're sad, but what about ME?? ME ME ME ME MEEEEEE!!" So yeah, I'm not gonna lie, I don't feel instantly holy and considerate, but I know I have stuff I need to be working on while Aaron's gone. Stuff that would be a whole lot harder to focus on were he here. It's funny because secretly, you already know what needs to be worked on and you already KNOW what these moments of solitude are meant for, but it's just easier to say "Later." My "later" is now...it's time for a vacation.

I Do

I'd just like to start by apologizing for my incompetence in keeping my many, many readers (lol) updated on what's new in the life of Meg, BUT the hiatus is over and I'm here to fill you in. So...I'm married now. I know that was extremely shocking to umm ALL of you and I must admit (now that it has actually hit me...JUST this morning) I'm rather shocked myself. But let's back up a little bit to exactly why many of you were so shocked and alarmed...Basically, before I left Virginia for the summer, I was in this super limbo. Aaron and I had prayed and fasted for a week in March and felt that the Lord had planned for us be married before the year was over and that Virginia/DC wasn't the place for us. Well, for him...because shortly after he left Virginia, I started having all the same doubts I had been having for 8 months. (Close mouth and remove hands from face HERE) I guess I ought to go back a little further huh? Okay...when I left for school last August, I was under the impression that I was going to be married on March 13 of this year. Nope. Apparently the Navy (and all other Military branches) is in the business of ruining hopes and dreams. Aaron's tour was extended from January to WHEN?? The end of March. Really Nimitz?? Ugh. So I started asking myself "Can I really do this for 10 more years of my life? With children? Am I strong enough? Patient enough? Secure enough?" The answers to those questions kept coming up "No." I didn't know ONE person in VA when I was asking myself those questions and didn't really have a support system of people back home who understood how I felt. I had to start from scratch. So I did. Except, the more people I met, the more involved I became with school, the less I included Aaron because he "wasn't here." And the closer I became with my friends, the easier it was to push him away and question my place in our relationship. Hence the "it's complicated" status change on FB. I had to cope. I had to focus on anything but how much it hurt to be away from him. And I was really good at distracting myself. The problem with that was, I still loved him, but I was so caught up in what was "right now" that I couldn't make up my mind about a future that seemed so far off. I would worry about that when it came. It was HELL. I was changing my mind about our relationship almost weekly. I was putting him through an emotional ringer, I was inwardly stressing myself out (I didn't think my friends would understand), and an anxiety disorder that was mild before August became full blown by March. So he came back...and when he came to visit, everything was surprisingly good. I wasn't confused anymore because my distractions were secondary to him. He was right in front of me. I could allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable again because he wasn't 10,000 miles away anymore, we could talk on the phone (I didn't have to sit down for an hour to type out the details of my week in an email in the midst of MONDO papers and gazillions of note cards), I was able to see him, we were able to connect emotionally again. But you wanna know what the difference is between 10,000 miles and 2,500 miles when you're knee deep in 16 credits and finals on the way?? Absolutely nothing. When he left Virginia to go back to California, things were right back to how they'd been for 8 months. I was back to coping. I had things that needed to be done and I didn't have time to miss him and be sad. Maybe it's not what you would've done, but it's the only way I know how to deal with things. I shut down and then go into auto-drive. I mean, I'm not completely calloused...we talked daily and yes, I had moments when I was really sad and missed him, but I couldn't let it paralyze me...and it would have. What made it more difficult were two things: a guy friend and my annoying habit of over-analyzing EVERYTHING. I confused the closeness with this friend, with wanting a relationship with him. I kept thinking "How could I be engaged and want to be with someone else?" "Why do I keep going back and forth with wanting to be with Aaron?""Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I'll never be ready." And then it was "Maybe I'm bored with him." "Maybe God is telling me...XYZ" It was insanity. The bottom line was that I didn't want to go into a marriage with uncertainty and I couldn't pinpoint why I was so unsure. And what was worse, it felt like no one was on my side. My family and friends said I was crazy for putting him through all of that...and that he was a good man. They were right, but it left me to figure things out on my own. Maybe that was a good thing...maybe it wasn't. ::WHEW:: Okay, so those of you that knew all of that were probably like "MARRIED???? Ummm, okay??" SO...here's where things changed. The drive back to California gave us lots of time to talk and reflect... and annoy each other lol...and it was good. We were able to sort things out between each other. I was able to step outside of my crazy busy life to think without chaos and constant lists of things to get done and just... relax. It's amazing what the open road can do for your psyche. I was able to gain perspective. It didn't completely hit me all at once, but gradually over the trip and the first couple of weeks back home I was able to see the forest for the trees. My morning devotions and one on one time spent with God helped me to see myself differently. There are so many things that we think we've let go from our past that still haunt and manipulate us and we're unable to move forward until we truly let those things go. My struggles were a process through which God was ridding my life of those things. He knew what I was capable of enduring...but he needed ME to know. I couldn't understand it before...shoot, there are still some things I don't understand, but what I needed to learn was to trust Him, to seek Him, to LISTEN to Him. I love Aaron. I'm in love with him and I still can't believe that he stuck with me through some of the hardest times in our relationship, but I believe those things needed to happen. We needed to know that through Christ, we have strength. All those questions I had before that I answered "No" to are now "Yes, with Christ." I'm not perfect and there are still SO MANY things I'm working on within myself (including my selfishness), but aren't we ALWAYS growing? I just can't imagine a better person to grow WITH. Our union is one that was meant to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church and through Him we will succeed. The enemy did everything he could to keep that from happening. I bet he was mad the day we said "I do." ;)

Slowing

They should call this slowing
As I – count these full days, I empty myself –
Into hands overflowing with the weight of the world
Surely strong enough to carry me
Vi-cariously, I - watch others be nourished by life
My – plight is that I’m hungry to be full of His love
Craving the seasoning that it takes to taste good in the mouth of experience
Delirious because its been some time since I’ve slept – in His arms
He leaves me warm and my flushed face expresses the gratitude I have for His charm
His adoration is honey sweet and I pause in reflection
At the detection of His tired feet – because they walk on
He is my cup of tea
Soothing me from my tongue to my toes as I speak His words and swallow them in admiration
This declaration is only the beginning
His presence is like a light summer breeze against my sun-kissed skin
Watermelon cold – refreshing my soul
I just – I don’t know – I – love Him
Giving in so I can go out as His girl
They – should call this slowing
Knowing I – could never keep up with Him I – grin at His ability to know my thoughts before I think them
I meet Him – no – He meets me where I’m at
That – that comforts me
I’ve sampled this before
He’s such a gentleman – opening doors for me
Preparing the table before I get there
Always taking care to clean up – never complaining
Abstaining – from discouraging words
Encouraging the most absurd desires of my heart
He’s perfect
They really should call this slowing
But slowly I come down from this high
And I – recognize Your face
I embrace Your design and – resign
Your love, Your wrath, Your grace – taste good to me
I walk – no – I run quickly and hold fast to You
Do what You will
For You – I am slowing

This poem is such a reflection of where I am. I fasted a few weeks ago and it was the best thing I could have done in my life. Could I have done that months ago? Hecky no...but where I am spiritually today is due to my resignation to Him. And here I am. Seemingly in a state of confusion, yet content. I'm about to make some decisions in my life that are not based on what other people want for me...and I don't feel bad about them. I feel free because I know that wherever they lead me, it will be a reflection of His will for me. You see, I've been trying my whole life to either prove people right or prove them wrong. I'm over that. I cannot find my purpose in man...and no longer will I try. I want to find out how it feels to be in love with Him. I want to fall head over heels in love...and I can't do that where I am. I need to slow down. That's why this poem is called "Slowing." My fast was not...fast. I took each day as it came, I had to wait for answers. I was literally starving. But what was interesting to me was that I'd been starving spiritually and speeding through life. No wonder I was so exhausted. How on earth did I make it through without sustenance? There isn't enough 'try' in the world to make me perfect, so I've begun to give myself to Him in the best way I know how...little by little. And no, this isn't the best way to give myself away, but I'm workin' on it. He will take my 'try' and turn it into His 'will.'Along the way, I've met some of the most amazing women and become part of an organization that has given me the support I needed to get here...I feel blessed. I feel loved. I feel excited and ready and...blessed. He knew what I needed before I needed it. Thank God. Literally. I said I was ready before, but I didn't mean it. I mean it this time. With every part of me, I desire to be His. And I don't just wanna be His in theory or because it sounds good when I tell people. I want this. And if you know me, you know that when I say I want something, I go get it...but I'm gonna do it slowly. So... I'm slowing.

Mad...

So, I haven’t written a blog in quite a while and I apologize for keeping my readers in suspense, but there has been a lot goin on in these last couple of months that hasn’t permitted me the time to sit and reflect. Publically anyway. So, I’m blogging today because of a few things have been makin me upset. Now, I’ve tried to let it go and move on, but it seems that the minute I do that, the issue rears its ugly head… AGAIN. And generally, I’d let it go despite even that, but what bothers me is that I’ve confronted this issue in both situations, yet I’m still hearing the aftermath of the issues as if they haven’t been addressed…among other things that had nothing to do with the issue…personal things that I revealed in my effort to be transparent and vulnerable. This burns me beyond words…words that would reflect my Christian values anyway. You see, here is the issue that I have: I came to you. I gave you the opportunity to express yourself, to ask me questions, to be honest about whatever it was that you were feeling. You could’ve told me you hated me and thought I was the devil himself and I would’ve been hurt, but at least you would’ve been honest. You weren’t. Because had you been, I wouldn’t be hearing all this extra stuff. Now I could come to you each and every time I hear something, but I don’t have the time, nor the energy. I’m grown. I’m not in high school. You don’t pay my bills, you aren’t my source of income or transportation, your life does not affect my education one way or the other… so trivially, you don’t mean much to my life. But in the bigger picture, where God holds each of us accountable for our brothers and sisters (because an organization does not determine who we are in relation to Christ), it does matter. What’s funny, is that you completely missed it. And will continue to miss what God is revealing to you because of your preoccupation with what I’m doing. I’m not perfect, neither did I ever claim to be. I am working on me and your constant questioning of where I’m at spiritually is unnecessary and unwarranted. How dare you question God anyway? You have no idea where I am spiritually. And I refuse to let you take me back to where I was because of where you think I should be. Yes, there are things in my past that I’m not proud of…shoot, there are things in my present that I’m not exactly proud of. I have hurt people that did not deserve to be hurt. And I’ve dealt with that. I’ve confronted it. I’ve confronted you. What makes you think I’d make it a point to squash our trivial issue (between you and I), but not handle the aspects of my life that will affect the rest of my life? A better question is: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SHARING MY BUSINESS (BUSINESS THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE YOU) WITH OTHER PEOPLE?? I’ll tell you why. Because you’re messy…and in your little brain, you think that it’ll somehow make you look better. What you didn’t know sweetie, is that the people you ran and told already knew (they humored you) and if they didn’t know about the issue, they already knew me as a person and didn’t think twice about it. You have to stop. Not because you’re tearing down my character, because you’ve tried that (though unsuccessfully)…but because you are affecting your own walk and your own character. All I can do is shake my head because even though I’m writing this to try to help you, you’ll probably take it out of context and have more to say about it. Just know this. I see you. But at the end of the day, I’m over here and you’re still over there. Don’t be mad.

Abstaining from Abstinence

So I feel like this topic is appropriate for a lot of people right now considering that Valentine's Day is 4 days away and that some of you have made plans to just "stay in" if you know what I mean ::wink wink::. Not only that, but the issue of sex and relationships is definitely a year round topic of conversation... it's timeless. So even if you don't get to read this immediately after I post it, I'm sure it'll still be applicable. Now, I prefaced this topic with the fact that everyone talks about this issue, but honestly, it's something that is directly affecting people in my life and I've been feelin' a lot like Dr. Phillis with all the advice I've been doling out. Im not complaining about this fact, but I'm about to repeat some of what I've said and a whole lot of what I really WANTED to say, but kept to myself for fear of being too harsh. So here goes... LADIES, your vagina does NOT equal power (until you're married that is, ha). By that, I mean he will not love you more, be more attentive, decide to make you his girlfriend, or anything of the sort. And IF you get lucky with the last two, it'll be strictly for what you gave up... and not for all of the reasons that you hoped he'd notice when you decided to have sex with him in the first place. He will NOTICE that the sex is good and realize that your "I don't usually do this" is a lie... and continue to tell you whatever it was he said to get your panties off in the first place in order to win you over again and again. A man will only do to you, what you allow... and you wonder why you get played so often. QUIT GOING BACK!! A man will not change for you. He has got to change for himself, through God and prayer and accountability (through another male...NOT YOU). I can't shake my head enough at women who think that they'll gain ANYTHING other than heartache through sex outside of marriage. And don't think for 2 seconds that I shake my head in judgement against you... it's in sorrow FOR you because I've been there. So... many... times. I've been let down so... many... times over guys who turned out to be just another one of them. He will KEEP being another one them until you find someone who will respect your love for God and respect your body the way He intended for it to be respected. I don't care how good he is in bed, how much he loves you, how much he promises to marry you... if you're a Christian, start walking the walk. The fruit (not FRUITS) of the spirit are all rolled into one. You can't pick and choose what you want from it any more than you can pick and choose the traits of the Father. If you're not demanding your own self-respect, how can you demand it from someone else? And why wouldn't you? Don't get me wrong, sex isn't the only sin and I struggle with plenty others, but we are the body...if you don't take care of your own body (drinking excessively, sleeping around, eating terribly) how can we contribute to the body of Christ? Anyway, back to the emotional aspect for a sec...again ladies, if you give your body away to gain power over a man, please realize that with every "sexcapade," as I like to call it, you give up a little bit more of your power. As you continue to give yourself away, you find that you have slowly given away all power... over him, over yourself, and over your sin. You won't make him love you more by giving him what he wants, all you'll do is lose love for yourself and respect from him. Sex DOES NOT equal love... I wish I could get t-shirts made and billboards posted up with that phrase. Now, I can't really speak for how sex affects a man emotionally without saying something completely biased and cliche, but I can say that their lak of respect for what SHOULD be important to her, is disrespectful to the creator of it. You can't blame your inconsideration on her lack of respect for herself. You are in control of your own body, your own values, and your own sin. Don't take from her what she only willingly gives away because she feels that it will keep you. You know it won't. So stop it! Guys like you are the same ones who have humiliated my little sisters, used my friends, and broken me. And just because these girls haven't said so, or keep coming back, doesn't mean that it hurts them any less... or that it won't in the future. Our insecurities bind and blind us and make your empty, sweetly delivered words look like the cure to the doubt we have within ourselves. Please, for God's sake, STOP! And if you're in love, especially if you are, love her enough to do right by her (and God), wait until you're married, and don't allow her to fall into sin. You're supposed to lead us... don't use our God-intended submission for your own purposes. Ladies, stop doubting yourselves, stop believing that you're not worth waiting for, stop selling yourselves short. The man that's meant for you will wait, won't make you feel guilty for it, won't ask you "just one more time," who will struggle along-side you, but will encourage you to continue living righteously. You won't have to guess at what's considered sex or be worried that he'll tell someone what happened last night or wonder how much is enough to keep him around. It's tough... TRUST ME, I know... I was there. It took a lot of "okay, let's try this again" and "Lord, why can't I just be married already"... but it gets easier. There is no temptation known to man that is not already known to Christ... TRUST HIM, He knows... lean on Him... seek counsel... find an accountaility partner who's NOT your ex-partner in crime, who will continue to pray with you and for you, who wants you to succeed no matter what you say or think about them when they check you on your mishaps, someone who struggled, but succeeded (not someone who's currently struggling). This is to both the girls and the guys... this isn't one of my angry rants. I'm not even mad... I'm just really really... sad.

Nostalgic

Thoughts invaded -
Memories evaded for so long, but reminiscence still hangs in the air
And it's there -
Like - the way your cologne lingers on my skin after being close
I didn't know -
That - I'd miss you this much
To be touched -
By you has become coveted - by me 
See, it's this insanity that keeps me thinking
Never speaking - always drinking - in your every action from afar
All I have are memories
If you wanna call them that - I hardly call them fact
Because I've added in my own ending - still pending the answer I expected
Though you neglected to say it all...
I told you - I know you
My - mind is reeling with possibilities
Oh could it be?
How would it be?
This isn't me -
So I - change
Rearrange
Evade my thoughts
Except that I'm not - over it
"You don't get to pick" they say
"But it's making me sick" I say
Oh how I despise nostalgia today

(this shall remain untitled... for now)

I never knew that such a simple thing could make me do so many complicated things. I've wanted you since the day he left. I've dreamt of you. I've thought of you so often, I find myself drifting away in thought during moments that require so much of me... and yet... I've allowed you to drink up my time in search of ways to get you. I - I don't know how exactly to go about getting what I want from you... or even what exactly it is that I do want. Maybe it's the feeling that you give me when I've had you before. Or maybe it's the fact that I don't have you now, because I certainly didn't appreciate you when I did. All I know is that I want you. And I'd do just about anything to get you. Do you - feel the same? Or can you even want? Maybe this isn't so simple. It's interesting to me to know that without another, your true essence is lacking... and I could try to picture you with someone else, but - I don't want to. You've perplexed me. I've tried to act as if it doesn't matter either way. That I can wait. That it'll be so worth it once you've finally made up your mind to return... but I'm so impatient. You're so sweet when you want to be. Your passion speaks volumes... your anger and indifference too. I know I shouldn't crave you this badly... it isn't right. When you're in my presence, I take what I can get from you... ::sigh::... You really shouldn't neglect me in this way. Do you have any idea what you're doing? What you've done? What you've created in me? How difficult it was to try to find you in someone else? And fail? Ha... it's a crazy feeling you know. It's absolutely maddening.

venting...

So, I don't have my page all beautified and blogger glam, but I figured now is as good a time as any to start blogging right? "In the beginning there was God..." the creator started without all the frills so I guess you can say I'm a chip off the old block. The purpose of this blog isn't really for your entertainment, but if you find it entertaining, then great... lovely... splendid... wonderful. I digress. I found myself saying, the other day, that there aren't that many things that bother me. And actually, I say that a lot... right before I go into a rant about the thing that has bothered me most recently. Well, now that I think about it, there are quite a few things that bother me. Some may say I complain a lot. Some may think I overreact. Of course... I disagree. You can bet on one thing though, all of the things that bother me could be placed under a canopy titled "Stupid People." You're probably thinking to yourself "dang, this chick is kinda mean" or... you're laughing and nodding your head... if you're not doing the latter, continue reading, I'm sure you'll agree by the end. First and foremost, it bothers me when people are inconsiderate. I live with the most selfish, inconsiderate people in America (I assure you) who have been confronted and still continue with their inconsideration because "I really don't know what you want me to do about that." Do you know what I want you to do? I want you to shove your patronizing, blank staring, ugly face up your... I digress. It boils my blood, it leads me on endless rants about how unbelievably ridiculous it is, and it then leads to me waging war against that person/people. Nothing gives me more joy than administering the bitter taste of one's own medicine. Call me Dr. Evil. So that's number one. More recently, I've experienced another one of my botherings in the form of skinny, ditsy, white girls that are over the top in their dislikes of regular things like dogs and children and anything else that would make them normal everyday human beings... who go to the gym in full make up, workout for 20 minutes, and try their hardest not to sweat... who find it too difficult to make it through a conversation without name dropping or talking about all of the trips they've been on or how many maids they have or how many pairs of shoes they have. Sweetie, if that's the extent of your topics of conversation, then please don't make me hurt your feelings in words that you probably couldn't spell if you had a dictionary. That's number two. I'd have to say that this next one kinda takes the cake though: people who try to fool me. Whether it's their true feelings about me, about something they're telling me randomly, whatever. You can't fool me. Call it a sixth sense, but I have this ability to read into whatever it is that people say. I can read between the lines that are inbetween the lines. It also helps me realize why it is that they do the things they do. Sometimes it's understandable, sometimes I don't get why they're wasting their time... either way, I know. Sometimes I hate that I know. And other times it actually takes me a while to get to the root of it, but when I do, it bothers me to no end. Because what I really wanna do is call you out... but I can't... because all you'll do is deny it anyway. And that bugs me too. Hmm, let's see... what else? People that don't use their turn signal. It's a hand flick away... your hands (or hand) are already there anyway, use your fricken turn signal. People that don't use the cross walk and expect you to stop for them. Sometimes, I just wanna keep driving and get close enough to scare them... and then stop. Maybe they'll use the crosswalk next time... but they won't. That one person in every fricken class that wants to have a personal conversation with the professor in the middle of class. I get that you want everyone to know that you're smart. And after the first 5 times that you raised your hand and took away all hope of getting out early, we got that... I swear we did. People who pretend their smart with big words and talk in confusing circles so that other people think they're smart. I've figured you out... and sweetie, you're definitely not smarter than a 5th grader. When people leave two sips left in the carton of juice/milk/soda and you pour it into a glass hoping that it'll be more than what it looks like... and it's not, but you drink it anyway dissatisfied and pissed that someone would be that INCONSIDERATE. When people comment on a fb status to out-do the comment that you just left... you win. When people post paragraph comments in a status that has nothing to do with the status... no one else cares what you've been up to and i'm sick of getting notifications every 5 minutes as you reply back and forth. When I get my food boxed up and forget it at the restaurant. When I really wanna tell somebody how I feel, but it wouldn't matter anyway because it wouldn't change anything. When I cook a meal and people add ketchup or ranch or salt to it... did you even taste it before you dumped that stuff on it? No. Are you laughing and nodding your head yet? If not, stay tuned because I vent regularly and you're bound to agree with SOME of this madness... but I gotta "RHAP-IT-UP" for now. Stay black... whatever that means... I'm sure I'll be blogging about that too. Gnite.